The Harlot and the Beggar

The Great Prophet was standing in the town square nibbling on curried peaches when a harlot approached him.

“Tell me, Master,” the harlot said, “what do you think of the beggar in the street?”

“Who?” the Great Prophet asked.  “Do you mean Styopci over there?  He’s good people.  Has he been pestering you?”

“No,” the harlot assured him.

“Well, if he gives you any trouble,” Subezh said, “just tell him you are a friend of mine.”

“Sure, I will,” she replied.

“Or just give him a couple of Stotinki to watch your carriage,” the Great Prophet said.  “He won’t really watch it, but he won’t saw the spokes in half, either.  It’s a good investment”

“Actually,” the harlot said, “I did not mean Styopci specifically.  In general, what do you say of beggars?  Should we give the change when they block the entrances to shops?”

“If you wish to help beggars, Subezh said, “and you think giving them money will help them.  Give them money.  If you care not if they cut your spokes when you are eating your dinner in the cafe, then do not pay them.  It’s not a tough decision.”

The Great Prophet left the harlot standing alone and dumbfounded by his great wisdom.  Passing the beggar, Styopci held out his hand,

“Teacher,” the beggar said, “can you spare a few Stotinki?”

“Ah, sorry,” Subezh said, “I just spent the last of my money on some curried peaches.  They were okay, nothing to write home about.”

Lo and the Great Prophet went on his way.  Later, Yabul saw that Subezh had a Leva but Subezh explained that he had to save it for lunch the next day.  Yabul thought the Great Prophet’s logic to be unquestionably solid.

Remembered by Yabul Vonke, though he could not recall the beggar’s name so he made one up.  Styopci was the name of his cat so he just used that.

Parable of the Fountain

Just hours after his family relocated to Ahtopol so his father could open a rodent butchery and deli, the Great Ptophet Subezh met his faithful right hand man, Yabul (then a boy of 13).  And it came to pass that the two boys found themselves on the shores of the Black Sea drinking mare”s milk from an Ottoman army canteen.  A harlot, who knew him not as he had only just arrived, approached.

“Boy,” spake the harlot, “what are you drinking?”

“Water,” Subezh replied.

“May I have a sip?” the harlot asked.

“Why sip from my canteen when there is a fountain just behind you?” the Great Prophet said.

The harlot looked over her shoulder and then turned to face Subezh again.

“I see no fountain,” she said.

“That which you cannot see is often just out of view,” the Prophet replied.

“I think you speak not of water,” the harlot said.  “You have spoken a great spiritual truth, young one.”

“Sure,” Subezh said, “but there really is a fountain over there.  Around the corner; just past the cobbler’s shop.”

“Thank you, wise young man,” the harlot said before walking away slowly as if in deep contemplation.

“Subezh,” Yabul said, “there is no fountain just past the cobbler’s shop and you are drinking mare’s milk, not water.”

“What you have spoken is true,” Subezh replied, “but we will be gone before she finds that out.”

Lo and the two boys ran from the place where Subezh had spoken his first lesson.  Yabul thinks he saw a sore on the harlot’s mouth which explains why the Great Prophet did not want her drinking from his canteen.

Remembered “pretty much word for word” by Yabul Vonke.

Understanding the Great Prophet

Much has been said recently about the wisdom of the Great Prophet, especially the difficulty in understanding his parables.  Simply see the debate in the comments section of The Sandwich in Tsarevo for an example of how heated passions have become.  Scorching hot is the answer.

With this in mind, the Cherished Leader has decided to make available, for a limited time only, his masterpiece on understanding the wisdom of Subezh.  The book, entitled The Cherished Leader’s Masterpiece on Understanding the Wisdom of Subezh, is a finely bound 14 page paperback tome that comes in a variety of colors (brown, dark brown, chestnut, tan, beige).

Act now and receive a Silver Apple gear shift topper free with the purchase of 4 copies.  The gear shift topper didn’t sell too well so we’re going to give them away!  All this for only 70 Leva (49.95 USD)!  Wait!  There’s more!  The first 200 copies sold will have a slim chance (about 1 in 200) of finding an autograph of the Cherished Leader on the front cover.*

Only 70 Leva (49.95 USD)!  Get your copy before supplies run out.  Don’t worry, we a have warehouse full of them, that last sentence was just an attempt to get you to buy a book soon.

All proceeds go to the Cherished Leader’s Fund for the Upgrading of the Cherished Leader-mobile (a ’97 Sentra that really needs some spinners).

*The Cherished Leader might not be back from his vacation by the time the orders go out, so it’s luck of the draw on the whole autograph thing.

On Muslims and Christians

The Great Prophet was strolling along the shoreline of the Black Sea eating homemade onion ice cream when a harlot approached him.

“Tell me, Teacher,” the woman said, “what do you say of the Muslims and Christians in the town?  How is your way different from theirs?”

“Hold on,” Subezh said.  “Ouch!  I’m getting an ice cream headache.”

“Do you need some water?” the harlot asked.

“No,” the Great Prophet replied, “just me a second.”

“Wow,” Subezh said.  “That really hurt.”

“Has it passed?” the harlot asked.

“Yes,” Subezh said.  “Now what did you want to aske me?”

“What do you say of Muslims and Christians?” the harlot said.  “How are your techings different.”

Subezh did not answer the question immediately, instead he cast his gaze far off toward the horizon.

“Look ay the hillside,” the Great Prophet said, pointing at the rolling hills.  “Is that a herd of goats?  Are they lost without their goatherd?”

“Teacher, I understand,” the harlot said.  “Truly your wisdom is as deep as the sea.”

The harlot left the Great Prophet and walked away rapt in deep contemplation of the words of the Master.

“Yabul,” Subezh said to his faithful friend, “can you see a goatherd up there?  Perhaps someone’s livestock has escaped from a pen.”

Lo and the goats had escaped from a nearby farm.  Thus it was that Subezh and Yabul sat beside the sea eating onion ice cream and watching as three men tried to capture the goats ad return them to their pen.

Remembered and “filled in” a bit by Yabul Vonke.

The Three Questions

The Great Prophet was resting in a field eating spiced nettle and sparrow’s egg pies with a playful sauce of mint and seawater when a harlot approached him.

“Master,” the woman said, “may I ask you three questions?”

“If you do so quickly,” Subezh said.  “I have to pack.”

“Are you traveling?” the harlot asked.

“Yes,” The Great Prophet replied.

“Where are you going, Teacher?” she queried.

“I am going to Sofia with my parents,” Subezh replied.  “They think I am too young to stay home alone.  I’m 17 years old for crying out loud.  I think I can handle a week on my own.”

“Why are you going so far, Prophet?” the woman asked.

“My father has a job interview at a magnet factory,” Subezh said.  “They make magnets in the shape of Bulgaria.  Ugh!  I hope we don’t have to move there.”

Subezh rose and walked away.

“Master,” the harlot called, “I still have three questions to ask.”

“Actually,” Subezh said, “you have already asked me three questions.”

“But those were not the three questions I wanted answered,” the harlot said.

“Then why did you ask them?” Subezh said.

“It was because…just polite…oh, never mind,” the harlot said.

The Great Prophet’s heart was moved to show mercy to the harlot.

“Look,” Subezh said, “I’ll cut you a break and let you ask one question before I head home.”

“Thank you,” the harlot said.  “Master, tell me, what awaits us after our time on Earth is done?”

The Great Prophet pondered the question carefully.

“You know,” Subezh said, “I really haven’t given it much thought.”

It is likely that the Great Prophet would have said more on the issue had his mother not arrived at that exact moment and told him to get home immediately.

Thus it was that the Great Prophet proclaimed nothing regarding the afterlife.

As remembered by the harlot Jadia, though she is not 100% sure of what the Great Prophet was eating.  It smelled like spiced nettles and sparrow’s egg, but may have been spiced dandelion.

On a Bench Near Saint Basil’s, Actually It Was Nearer the Old Biscuitry

The Great Prophet was sitting on a bench near the Church of St. Basil, actually it was nearer the Old Biscuitry, eating dried beets in fish sauce when a harlot approached him.

“May I sit with you, Teacher?” she asked.

“You can have the bench to yourself,” Subezh replied.  “I was just about to leave.”

“I was hoping to speak with you,” the harlot said.  “I had a question.”

“Yeah, but I need to get to the market before they sell out of sheep’s heads,” Subezh told the woman.  “Can you make it quick?”

“Yes,” she answered, “but I am not sure you can answer it as quickly as I can ask it.”

“we’re burning daylight,” Subezh pointed out.

“Sorry,” the harlot said.

“You could walk with me,” Subezh suggested.

“You know what,” she said, “I can just meet up with you after you go to the market.”

“That’s no good,” the Great Teacher said, “because I have to meet a friend at five.”

“Damn,” the harlot said.  “I need to go to the chemist but I think he closes at five.”

“Half past four, actually,” Subezh said.

“Really?” the harlot asked.  “Are you certain?”

“Yes,” he assured her.  “My friend, Yabul, sweeps up there after they close.  He’s the one I am meeting with the sheep’s head at five, so I know they close at half past four.”

“I’d better hurry then,” she said.  “Gosh.  May I just find you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Subezh said, “but before three.  I have a birthday party to go to.”

Lo, the harlot did meet with the Great Prophet the next day before he went to the birthday party.  What she asked remains a mystery since nobody was there to witness the conversation and Subezh never said anything other than that he met her before the birthday party.  If we were to hazard a guess, we’d say it had something to do with the Russo-Japanese War.

As remembered by Hekki Conescu who was asleep under the bench just before the conversation started but awoke in time to get the gist.

The Sandwich in Tsarevo

The Great Prophet stepped off a train in Ahtopol one day and a harlot approached him.

“Teacher,” the harlot said, “may I ask your counsel?  I am greatly troubled.”

“Can it wait?” Subezh asked.  “I’m in a bit of a bad mood.”

“Oh, certainly,” the harlot replied.  “Your worries must be great indeed wise one.  What has furrowed your brow?  Perhaps I can somehow help the Great Prophet.”

“I doubt it,” Subezh said.

“Only tell me and I will do what I can,” the harlot said.

“See, I had this sandwich,” the Great Teacher said, “and it was really good, full of otter cheeks and jellied potatoes.”

“That sounds delicious,” the harlot said.

“I left it on the train platform in Tsarevo,” Subezh said.  “When the whistle blew, I was bent over tying my shoe and in my haste I forget it.  Off I ran with my rucksack, forgetting the sandwich on the bench.  God!  That was so stupid!”

“That’s too bad,” the harlot said.

“I know,” Subezh responded.  “I’m really hungry.”

“Why do you not go back for it?” she asked.

“Would you go to Tsarevo for a sandwich?” Subezh said.

The harlot lowered her head in shame.

“My troubles seem so insignificant now,” she said.

“Somebody probably ate it by now anyway,” the Great Teacher said as he walked away.  And lo did the Prophet return to his home and heat up some pickle soup that his mother had prepared the night before.

As remembered by Yabul Vonke and Guchta Olinkci who was standing nearby reading a newspaper.

The Silver Apple of the Tabernacle

When in the Tabernacle of the Sweet Apple last evening I looked upon the holy relic and wondered if the Great Prophet would have such a thing hidden from his people.  For years you have heard, my children, of the glorious Silver Apple.  I have mentioned from time to time how it shimmers when I remember to light the Eternal Flame in the inner temple.

After pouring over the sacred texts, I concluded that the Great Prophet would not really have an opinion regarding his followers seeing the Silver Apple.  Further, I resolved to make a replica available to all who wished to possess a memento of the Great Teacher Subezh.

Available for a limited time only is a silver plated replica of our most holy relic.

Order now!  5 inch tall full-sized replica only 47 Leva ($34.95 USD).  Key chain only 11 Leva ($7.95 USD).  Gear shift topper only 20 Leva ($19.95 USD).  Act now and get half-price shipping!

These fine replicas are available only from the Burgas Mint or the gift shop in the Sofia Marriott Courtyard (exit 11-B off the Trakia Highway across from Jack in the Box).  Not sold in stores…except for that one gift shop.  My cousin is the manager there and he asked if could sell them.  What could I say?  He is family.

All proceeds go to The Cherished Leader’s Fund for the Improvement of the Grand Residence of The Cherished Leader.

Parable of the Sweet Apple

The Great Prophet was sitting under a walnut tree eating pickled rosemary and fish tongue sandwiches when a harlot approached him.

“Great Prophet,” the woman said, “tell me of the wisdom you bring.”

“Sit and learn,” Subezh said as he wiped vinegar from his chin.

“I prefer to remain standing, Teacher,” she replied.  “I need to be going shortly and I don’t want to get comfortable.”

“Whatever you like,” Subezh said.  “The wisdom I bring is like a sweet, sweet apple.”

“I don’t get it,” the harlot said.

“I wasn’t done yet,” Subezh replied.

“Oh, sorry,” she said.  “Please go on.”

“Thanks,” Subezh said.  “To some the apple will taste like wet socks.  Others will find they are allergic and break out in hives.  Still others will like the taste but won’t be blown away by it or anything.  Perhaps they simply prefer plums.  Who can say?  Some people, however, will love the taste of the sweet, sweet apple and they shall eat one every day.  That is the wisdom I bring.”

“What of you, Great Teacher,” the harlot said, “how do you find the taste of sweet, sweet apples?”

Subezh closed his eyes and considered his response.  He eventually said something but no one remembers because we started talking about the pig races to come later that day.

As remembered by Yabul Vonke and the harlot Jenkya.